Insanity Imminent

It would seem that travel and I have finally reached breaking point. I’ve known it for a while – but what is it they say? Denial is a river in Egypt! Well – then I’m in a boat floating down that river without a paddle – and I can see the shore – but I can’t quite reach it. The realizations are all in place now – they have been for some time, but I’ve been burying them in the hope that I can once again find my adventurer’s spirit and somehow be in the moment – enjoy the here and now – and just bloody well relax in this time that I’ve earned – For God’s sake, I paid my dues – I lived in a metal box for 5 years against my free spirited will and I thought that a year on the road would be payback – but it appears that a year on the road is just a twist of the knife. I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO STAY PUT.
Originally we had planned to be ‘home’ by spring – but then a few things panned out a little differently and we ended up extending our trip a few months longer and those few months have been the straws that have broken the camels back. I just want it to be over. But as is always the way – with those Catch 22 situations – since we decided to save the best until last I simply can’t quit now – just before it gets good again! – I mean it would just feel like having sex without the orgasm – but no – that comparison is not a good one – since having sex generally feels good, with or without the orgasm. No – it would be like sweating a lot at the gym and not getting to take a lovely shower and feel fresh and clean after all that effort. Oh – I don’t know – I’m all analogied out. I just need a place to call home – and I need a purpose. Looking at cool stuff and feeling kinda dirty and sweaty all day just isn’t fun anymore – especially when the cool stuff isn’t that cool and the sound of HGV’s passing my hotel window reminds me that my hotel room is right beside the main highway and isn’t exactly the Marriott!
So – we arrived in Sri Lanka 3 days ago in the hopes of getting a new visa for India and also exploring a new place that would be calmer and ‘nicer’ than India. Now, it’s true that most of the regular Sri Lankan’s we’ve met so far seem a little more ‘modern’ and laid back than their Indian counterparts and there is a little less garbage strewn about the place – but besides that– the rickshaw drivers are exactly the same (they hassle you to jump in when you are only strolling down the street and overcharge you when you do actually need a ride), the commission touts are just as pushy and aggressive as the ones in India – if not worse - and the tourist attractions are far more overpriced and still barely worth the price of entry.
And while I do acknowledge that perhaps I’m just a little jaded and over-worked in the sightseeing department, I’m not entirely sure that anyone would feel happy that they parted with $10 (a tidy sum in this part of the world) to explore the Rock Caves at Dambulla. If you are keen to see a plethora of sitting Buddha’s all in a row, in a dingy room and the occasional reclining one that has apparently been reclining for a couple thousand years – then this spot will be right up your alley. But if you really want to be wowed by the historical wonders of Sri Lanka – then perhaps you’ll want to give this one a miss.
Oh, I don’t know – maybe I’m just being a whiny old baby and my nervousness about the uncertainties ahead for us when we do finally reach our ‘final destination’ is getting the better of me and making me want to hit the fast forward button on the next few months so I can alleviate the anxiety of the ‘unknown’ – but right now I’m having a really hard time feeling like this is where I am supposed to be.
On a more positive note – it does seem that we will actually be able to get back into India as originally planned in 3 weeks time (since the Indian high commission accepted our new visa application today) – so then we will finally get to see the best of India that we came to see and I will then continue on with my quest for self discovery by attending a Vipassana (10 day silent meditation retreat) and taking a 6 week intensive yoga teacher training course. So – it’s not all bad – I think I just needed to vent a little – and well – if I can’t vent publicly to all and sundry on my blog entitled ‘crash course to insanity’ where can I vent? I mean, with a title like that I suppose I pretty much called it right from the start. The question now is – will I make it back to civilization with all my faculties intact? Will the venting be enough? Or will they really need to lock me up and throw away the key when I return. Or……will this precipice I am perching on take me into new unchartered territory where I can find the peace that I am searching for?